Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
