Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
