Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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