dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
