The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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