Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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