What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
