one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
