I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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