I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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