i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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