I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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