My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Im part way to drunk.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
