Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize