I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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