Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
