Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I can tuck mytits in my pants
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
