Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
