Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
