There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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