I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize