Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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