I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he puts the penis in happiness.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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