i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I'm really busy with my period
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