just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
