why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
