Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
