My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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