First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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