how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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