my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
