whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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