Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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