I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Pooping to opera.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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