vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
