this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
