I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
