she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
