Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
