So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
