The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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