the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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