Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
