I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
