Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize