i jhust puked up my retainher.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
