I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
