im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
