i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
