no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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