why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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