At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
