My sheets look like a crime scene.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
