haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
