How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
