Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
are you so shy because you have an std?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
