Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
