at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
