I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
