i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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