I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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